Our old wounds…can “steal” our current relationships

Old wounds have many ways of making their presence felt by "stealing" our current relationships. They have the ability to dissolve any connection, contribute to the unhealthy development of relationships, or even manage to isolate the person from creating new, solid relationships in the future.

The deepest wounds usually come from our childhood. They have the power to unconsciously shape expectations that each person has for themselves but also for others, while at the same time cultivating limiting beliefs about what is worth experiencing. When a relationship is constantly plagued by arguments and fights, it is almost certain that each partner's old wounds will begin to bleed, "staining" it. Their appearance and influence will be unconscious, but the role they will play will be catalytic and obvious.

There are not a few, however, who manage to reach adulthood with a heart untainted and protected from scars.

So how can we turn our wounds into motivation?

1. Love yourself as you deserve

Love. A magic word that works wonders, heals even the deepest wounds, and liberates. Allow yourself to love what has hurt you and learn from it, transforming it into valuable knowledge and experience for the future. Everything you need to find the balance you so desperately need is already within you. Your feelings, your wounds, and your thoughts are what will give you the valuable impetus to move forward.

2. Acknowledge and embrace your feelings

How you deal with your hurt and disappointment plays an important role in trusting your ability to listen to what you're feeling and understand where it's coming from. The longer you keep your emotions hidden, the more and more insidious damage they do: they harden your armor and get in the way of connecting with others.

3. Come to terms with your weaknesses. Don't hide them

Weaknesses are the fragile parts of you that you have learned to hide, especially if you grew up in a harsh or unsupportive environment. Allow your partner to see and accept them, giving them space to express theirs as well. This could be expressed through the way you relate, touch, and express yourself within the relationship. It's about the vulnerable parts of both of you, and without them, intimacy and trust cannot be cultivated.

4. Insist on a solution and not endure difficulties

The temptation to keep quiet, to close in on yourself, to endure or withdraw when difficulties arise, can be intense, and you think that it saves you from all unpleasant situations. If this happens, trust is shaken, jeopardizing the course of your relationship. When you feel yourself wanting to escape, try to ground yourself. Think about what unites you, what dreams you have for the future, and how your partner helps you develop as a person, and fight for them.

5. Separate what happens from how you react

We all have habitual ways of reacting in our relationships. This happens immediately and without conscious thought. When you find yourself in a moment of crisis, take deep and slow breaths so you can give yourself time to process what is happening, what is being said, and your response. Then, when you're ready, speak clearly, openly, and without fear. Consider what you can do—or stop doing—to make it easier for your partner to give you what you need. The more direct and emotionally generous you can be, the more you consciously invest in your relationship.

6. Learn to forgive

There will come a time when you will come into conflict with your partner. Mistakes are made and things are said that cause pain to those we love. When you are in the position of the one who is hurt, recognize what exactly hurts you, discuss it, learn to forgive, and move on. Don't let anger drive your relationship, but use that tension to strengthen the bonds that hold you together.

7. Your wounds don't have to hurt you anymore

Your wounds are proof of your endurance, strength, and courage, which can be turned into gifts for your relationship. But first, they should be illuminated and made distinct. Don't keep them in the dark; otherwise, you won't see them transform into experience and knowledge for the future. Recognize what it is that activates within you every time you react after an argument. What is your first memory of these feelings? What did they teach you? What situations did they lead you into? Focusing on the differences between the past and the present will be what will free you from what has hurt you and let you experience what is to come.