A fool neither forgives nor forgets. A naive both forgives and forgets. A smart forgives, but ...

Once, the famous Hungarian-American psychiatrist Thomas Szasz (1920–2012) stated that in human nature, "a fool neither forgives nor forgets. The naive both forgive and forget. The intelligent forgives, but does not forget."

One of the greatest gifts a person can give to himself is to recognize the importance of forgiveness and to "train" in it, despite all the obstacles and difficulties he may face. Whoever is able to accept the gift and greatness of forgiveness will also be able to be freed from their demons.

Do I forgive and forget?

It is said that confession is one of the greatest balms for the human soul, as its positive effects are also proven in the mental health of the individual. Forgiveness is about releasing the emotional burden of guilt for some action or behavior. It refers to something being left in oblivion, weakening, and fraying over time.

Resentment, bitterness, anger, the need for revenge, and the desire to cause harm to someone else do not concern the person who chooses to overcome the bad moments of the past, open his soul, and let go of all negative feelings and thoughts to fly away. However, for many people, this process can prove to be extremely painful, even impossible!

The first great inner liberation is the realization that unforgiveness offers nothing at all; instead, it tends to maintain anger and inner tension, dragging the person into a rut of negative emotions. It is precisely there that one should clearly see the power that grudge hides within it, which succeeds in destroying every nugget of happiness and joy.

We can't just go along with forgiveness

The truth is that the act of forgiveness is not a simple process at all. By "commanding" ourselves to forgive another person, we automatically invalidate the process, as it does not come from a sincere will. One of the main and first steps we need to take is to work out the primary reasons that led us to need to forgive someone.

The analysis of situations and the reasons that led to each incident is the magic key to our inner redemption. Not all situations are the same, just as not all people are the same. 

Everyone and everything should be considered individually, with global perceptiveness, which must necessarily be governed by honesty, correctness, and empathy. Despite everything, often the social orders that derive from the family, the culture, or even the feeling of guilt of each one do not allow the forgiveness of the "perpetrator."

In fact, such forced or even superficial forgiveness can trigger the exact opposite results. Instead of redeeming the soul, what it actually accomplishes is creating built-up delusional anger, resistance, and passive-aggressive behavior toward others, while emotions such as depression, guilt, and shame alternate in a frenzy.

How can we heal?

When we are in the healing phase, we learn that we should no longer allow emotions and memories to have complete control over us. By working through anger and freeing ourselves from unnecessary vices, we make room for the inner peace, fulfillment, and sense of freedom we so desperately need. The treatment focuses on the following main axes:

• Acknowledging our own inner pain

• Trying to understand the perspective and motivations of the person we want to forgive and replacing anger with true compassion.

• Trying to analyze the reasons that led the other person to behave in this way.

• Forgiving ourselves for the role we played within each relationship.

• Expressing our feelings in a calm way, without shouting or using an aggressive tone, but in such a way as to provide inner satisfaction and redemption.

• Protecting ourselves from further victimization by learning to recognize potential dangers in the future.

• Deciding whether to stay in the relationship, establishing new boundaries, and defending our inner selves to avoid future hurt.

But what is forgiveness?

We may have talked about what forgiveness is, but not what it really isn't! It is important to realize that the act of forgiveness does not solve everything. Residual emotions can remain within us, often unable to understand why they are still influencing our lives.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting an event that has caused us pain or pretending that a traumatic event did not happen. This has indeed happened, and it is necessary to recognize and treat it properly in order to provide the necessary knowledge for future situations without any remnants of the past remaining.

It is important to understand that forgiveness is not intertwined with defending or justifying one's behavior. We forgive in order to release ourselves alone.

Forgiveness does not give someone permission to continue to hurt us through their actions and words, nor does it excuse possible past or future behaviors. Just because a behavior is forgiven doesn't mean it will change. The only thing that can transform and bring about results is understanding ourselves, protecting our emotions, changing our immediate reactions, and differentiating our role in each relationship from now on.

But the most important thing to remember is that forgiveness is an intensely personal—and sometimes strict—practice of our own self, which leads to an improvement in our physical, mental, and spiritual health and development. The better we manage to understand ourselves and our personal needs, the more easily we will be able to understand others around us.